Was I ever really sane?
“Was I ever really such a criminally boring bitch?”
I used to think I was. Back when I used to have it all. The cool car, a nice job, a loving, tender girlfriend. I used to have a firm grasp on… well, everything. At least, I thought I did. Life was beautiful. Life was fun. I wanted for nothing, because I already had everything I wanted. It felt like every day brought something new and exciting.
“Maybe. But boy am I glad to be done with that nonsense.”
That was the lie I told myself. Because isn’t that just how insanity works? You do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome each time, but no such thing ever happens. Look where everything I had got me. Look where my beautiful, exciting life got me. Now, I have nothing.
“Like, seriously, I’ve never felt so exhilarated in my life! The adrenaline is pumping fast! This shit’s gonna be nuts!”
I was so naïve. I got too comfortable, too complacent with how things were. I was so trapped in my own happy world I couldn’t possibly conceive that anything would ever go wrong. And when it did… Jesus, it sure went wrong.
“It’ll be pretty funny seeing everyone get so uptight when I start the killing. Cause like, who really cares? Everyone moans and groans over dead people for, what, a month or two, tops? Then it’s on to the next fucker. Like, you’re so attached, then you’re suddenly not. What’s the deal with that?”
Even if it was just a desk job, working at Gavin’s United Banking was way more entertaining than it should have been. Probably because I got to work with Aliza. Normally, you never want to work with your romantic partner; it’s often a guaranteed deal-breaker when it comes to relationships. But we did it, somehow.
“It’s too last minute to get a gun probably. Eh, it’s fine. A gun wouldn’t be nearly as fun as the machete. Speaking of which, where is that damn thing?”
I mean, secret sex in the bathroom definitely made things more interesting, but that’s besides the point. Aliza made everyone smile. She made me smile. That doofy grin of her was infectious. If she was happy, everyone else was happy. It was criminal how bubbly she was. And I could not get enough.
I was thankful for all of them. Aliza. Mackenzie. Bobby. Darin. Everyone was great. We had fun, in and out of the bank. I never could have expected to make such great friends. Poker nights. Practical jokes on the job. A trip to Atlantic City every once in a while. Parties on the weekends until the early morning hours. Life was fast-paced and invigorating, even when it took a moment to slow down and give us a breather; it was a drug all its own, and you needed nothing else (not that a joint here or there didn’t help).
It’s like I was travelling down the highway in my Benz, going over 100 mph, completely ignorant to the fact that, sooner or later, the road was going to end, and if I didn’t slow down, I was going to crash and fucking burn.
“Although, come to think of it… Maybe I could try burning some stuff too. Yeah, definitely adding ‘death by fire’ to the bucket list of murder methods.”
Strike one on my glorious descent into complete madness: not taking that promotion.
Obviously, you work somewhere long enough, and you work hard and show even a remote semblance of passion for what you’re doing, you’re due for some ample compensation, possibly in the form of career advancement. And when that opportunity came across my desk, I turned it away.
Why? Because I was perfectly happy right where I was. The new job would have moved me out of New York and all the way down to Florida, which wasn’t about to happen, but more importantly, it would have pulled me away from everyone I cared about. Especially Aliza. She said she would’ve gone with me in a heartbeat, but she wasn’t exactly in a position to do so, so I opted to stay put.
But what happens when you don’t take the new job? Someone else does. Which is exactly what Darin did. Other than me, Darin had been at our bank the longest—we basically started together. It wasn’t really a stab in the back, but it did come as a bit of a shock when he packed up and left so quickly. We all wished him the best, of course, but that was when I started wondering if I’d made a mistake.
Aliza would tell me, “Don’t worry about it, Princess. Something else is bound to come up sooner or later. And when it does, you’ll go for it, and we’ll take it from there.” Then she’d brush my hair to the side with those soft hands of hers and kiss me, which would lead to making out, followed by throwing the night away in bed together. That was always really nice.
“It’s like they say: want something done, gotta do it yourself. More rewarding that way. Like, if I wanna burn something, I need to go ahead and just burn something. Simple as one, two, three. He-he-he! Gotta grab life by the balls and do it your own fucking way!”
Strike two: downsizing. We really should have seen this coming. Especially since they never hired anyone to replace Darin. Around the time he left was when we started losing business, but we weren’t really inclined to care. Less business meant things got easier, and we still got paid the same great salary. We were all very okay with that. Until, of course, we all lost our jobs.
As business dwindled, it makes sense in hindsight why our superiors were paying more frequent visits. We should have treated all those “surprise” check-ins as bad omens of terrible things to come. I like to think I saw the signs, but I know that’s not true. I chose to be actively ignorant. Rather than face the problems head on, I figured I’d let everything try to fix itself. We all thought the same way. Big mistake, obviously.
“Oh! Surprise attacks! I should get good at those while I’m at it. But the thought of pouncing on someone, seeing them so surprised and shit… Hahaha! That’s gonna be so funny, I don’t know that I’ll be able to contain myself and actually pull it off.”
Maybe I’m exaggerating when I say it like this, but one by one, we fell. Mackenzie got the boot first, which didn’t really surprise us, given she was actually pretty lazy. But she was also the most fun to hang around with. Seeing her go sucked. Not too long after that, Bobby followed suit. He put up a bit of a fight, but it hardly mattered. If anything, it gave the company more of a reason to get rid of him.
And literally the day after Bobby was out, so were Aliza and I. And that was that. No more job. No more fun. Since Darin left, the gang didn’t really hang out as much as we used to, but when we all lost our jobs, that was basically the last we ever saw of each other. I don’t know why—we could have all still stuck together. We were friends, after all. But everyone gave up. I wonder what that says about my taste in people. For all the fun we had, I chose friends who all pretty much lost hope at the drop of a hat. And no one made the effort to fix it. Least of all me…
“And, like, if I wanna cave someone’s teeth in, I gotta harden my fucking knuckles and give it all I fucking got, because there ain’t no one else who’s gonna do it for me! ‘Cause, again, duh, way more satisfying to do it myself!”
And the third and final nail in the coffin was… the breakup.
The group broke up, but Aliza and I didn’t, thankfully. Until…
God, why couldn’t I have stopped this part? If she were still with me…
“Which reminds me, I really need to keep up with brushing my teeth. Can’t go around smiling at people with cavities. That’d just be rude.”
With both of us unemployed, Aliza and I instinctually braced for a rough patch. Life was going to be difficult for a while; we knew things might get edgy between us. How could they not? So, we mentally prepared ourselves and promised we’d get through it together, knowing that it wouldn’t last long and eventually we’d get right back to where we were—we’d be happy again. It all sounds so childish in hindsight.
We were both going nuts searching for jobs, figuring out how we would keep up with the bills until then. Aliza powered through it all; were it not for her, I would have lost my mind. Or, I guess, I would have lost it a lot sooner than I actually did.
We figured with as much professional experience as we both had, finding something new should have been a cinch. It wasn’t. It was nearly impossible. No one was hiring, or no one needed anyone with our skill sets. We were out of luck—seemed like we’d spent it all enjoying ourselves back when we actually had jobs. Aliza eventually took to a simple retail job at a local bookstore, but I was so full of myself that I never even considered looking for something like that.
I wouldn’t take any smaller jobs, despite there being so many of them around town. I had no intention of degrading myself with work that was so below me. My ego was boundless, and Aliza hated it. “Why am I the only one sacrificing anything here?” she’d say. “You know I love you, Princess, but you need to stop being such an ass and find work doing whatever. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just for a little while. Please.”
But whatever she had to say, I always threw it back in her face. I would tell her she was better than what she was becoming, that she should have been stronger. But she wasn’t the one growing weaker. She wasn’t the one changing for the worse.
I guess, eventually, Aliza just… had enough of my attitude. Had enough of me being me. I pushed her away. I never meant to.
We made a promise. She wasn’t supposed to leave.
“Now then, where the fuck’s that machete?”
I had it all. I was happy. Until she left and took all my joy with her. The only person I have to blame is myself.
“Where did…? Oh! There you are!”
And when I couldn’t feel happy anymore… When I was at the end of my rope, working a job I hardly cared for, just barely making it by, living in a shitty, rundown apartment… Where else could I turn to but the bottle and the needle? A little vodka here, a bit of heroin there, and slowly but surely, I unlocked parts of my brain I didn’t even know fucking existed.
But I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I just… I took too much one day, and the wrong person just happened to get in my way at the wrong time. It was an accident. But after that, the new me took over, and she won’t let go. I can’t even try to make things right anymore. I’ve turned into this… thing, and I can’t stop myself. I’m trapped in my own mind, doomed to watch as this new person does whatever unspeakable things she pleases.
All I have now are the scars left over from my mistakes. I have to watch as all of that comes crashing down on the world in the worst possible way.
“You ready, little miss? Tonight’s a big night. Tonight, we make things official.”
Why couldn’t I have been stronger? Why couldn’t I have fought harder?
“You’re looking so sharp, so pretty. And me, well, I always look sharp, but I figured I’d dress a bit more loosey-goosey for the evening. Re-dying my hair was a must, though. Red just seemed so perfect for the occasion.”
Why couldn’t I have just tried?
“We’re gonna have so much fun. Oh, we’ll make so many new friends together! Hell, maybe we’ll even find someone to tag along with us for the ride—a partner to join in on the fun! Just like…”
Why couldn’t I have been more like you, Aliza?
…
“I miss you.”
What?
“I miss you so much, Aliza. I miss the touch of your pretty skin, the smell of your golden hair, that beautiful smile. I miss having someone around to talk to, someone who I can confide all my deep, dark secrets to. I mean, I definitely make do with myself. I’m a riot, after all. But, you know, I just… I miss you.”
I miss her.
…
“Heh. Hehe.”
What? What are you laughing at?
“Heh. Hahaha! And I definitely miss the feeling of your fucking tongue on my clit! God damn, you were a fucking pro! Ahahaha!”
No, no, no! Shut your goddamn mouth, you psychotic piece of shit! You don’t get to say that! Not about her! You don’t get to ruin my memory of her!
“I mean, come on, how could I not miss playing around with you? You were the best piece of ass I ever had! Fuck, just thinking about the fun we had together gets me wet!”
No! Stop it! Shut up!
“But, you know, you did leave me, after all. So how good could your really have been? Time for something new. Who knows, maybe I’ll find someone better out there in the big, bad world. Someone to join me. Someone to join…”
…
“Scars.”
What?
“Ooh, yeah, that’s totally what people should call me. That’s who I’ll be. That’s who I am! I’m Scars! And the world will know my murderous name! Ahahaha! Oh, I do love a good origin story!”
No, no! Shut up! I know who I am! I’m Kaylie Perez! I’m not what you made me! I’m not!
“Heh. No, you’re not.”
Wait… You can hear me?
“You’re nothing. You’re no one. You’re hardly an afterthought. You’re the biproduct of everything it took to make me so goddamn irresistibly perfect! While you bitch about everything you lost, I’m lapping up and drowning in the ecstasy of my life! Mine! Not yours! It’s all mine!”
No! It’s my mind! My body! My life!
“Yeah, okay, loser. And while you keep telling yourself that, I’ll be here, gleefully enjoying the murder spree of a lifetime. Starting with you.”
What? What are you doing?
“Cutting you out. Take a look in the mirror, Princess. This is the last thing you’ll ever see.”
Wait, no, stop!
“Ah! Fuck! Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have started with the face. Dammit! Ah well. Least it looks cool.”
Stop it! You’ll kill us!
“Nah, only you. With a little gash… here. Ngh! And a deep cut… there. Shit! Hurts pretty good, though, I gotta say.”
Stop!
“Ooh, yeah, and how ‘bout a slash on the wrist for good measure? Make people think I’m angsty and depressed, add a little drama to the backstory.”
Please.
“Drip, drip, drip goes the blood. Hehe. And X marks the spot where you die. How about… right over the heart? After all, I’m the only one here who’s got any. Ha!”
Don’t do this.
“If you wanted to live so badly, maybe you should’ve tried harder to make it all worth something. You had your chance, and you wasted it. There’s no room for weakness. Not in my world. You can fuck right off, bitch! Gah! Shit! Ooh, alright. Deep breaths, Scars, deep breaths. She gone?”
…
“Ha ha! Yep! Dead as can be! And isn’t it just so perfect that I’ve christened you, my beautiful little murder tool, with my own lovely blood? So poetic! Now how’s about we get out there and make a difference in the world?! One corpse at a time!
“Wait…
“Knock knock? Who’s there? Someone at my door? Ugh! Whoever you are, you picked a shitty time to come calling! Wait… Oh shit, are you a cop?! Uh, one second! Hold on!
“Hide the machete, Scars, hide the machete.”
…
“Okie dokie, coming! Oh, and when you see me covered in blood, don’t worry about that. It’s just makeup. Going to a costume party. Okay, so what’s… Damn, you’re pretty. You pay for that fancy dress yourself, Sugar Tits, or you got some hunky boy toy to cover the bills? Hehe!”
“Hello, Ms. Perez. My name is Amy, but you will call me True Blood. I hope I’m not interrupting anything important. I just thought I’d bring you a gift.”
“Uh…?”
“Recoil, be a dear and bring her in.”
“The hell? Sorry, lady, I think you got the wrong… Whoa! Who the fuck is this absolute badass? Where’d you get the cool armor, girl?”
“Shut up. True Blood, where do you want her?”
“Ooh, and who’s this we have here, huh?”
“Right there is fine, Recoil. I believe you’ll enjoy this little present very much, Ms. Perez.”
…
“Aliza…?”
“Remove her gag and go wait outside, Recoil, if you please. We’ll be out shortly.”
“Ah. Kaylie? What’s going on? What happened to you?”
“Aliza… How…?”
“I’m here to offer you your first kill, Ms. Perez. The first of what I hope will be many.”
“Aliza. Baby.”
“Kaylie… I… I’m sorry. For everything. I didn’t want to abandon you. But I didn’t have a choice. You turned into someone I couldn’t love anymore. I’m so sorry. But you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to. It’s not who you are. Please, help me. We can fix everything, I promise.”
“Shh. It’s alright. They won’t hurt you. I promise.”
“Ms. Perez…?”
“Let her go.”
…
“Very well. Off you go, Ms. Park.”
“Kaylie?”
“Go. I’ll find you later, don’t worry.”
“Alright… I’m sorry, Kaylie.”
“Go.”
…
“And here I thought you’d absolutely adore my little gift. Perhaps I was wrong about you, Ms. Perez.”
“Cool it, lady. I’m just giving her a running start.”
“Ha. How very sporting of you.”
“Yeah. Now, should I be worried that you found my ex? That you found me? Cause I ain’t tryna have problems, but if we’ve got some, well, you picked the wrong bitch to fuck with, alright?”
“I just happened to hear about your… incident in the news, Ms. Perez. I was fascinated by how you’ve been able to miraculously avoid the police. Someone that tactful, I thought, might be useful. So, I started digging, looking in places everyone else is obviously too stupid to look. And when I first found you, you sounded conflicted. Yet that conflict slowly turned to rage and madness. It turned into a readiness for more. So, I thought I might help you with that, in the hopes that we might help each other.”
“Hmm. Well, you definitely know how to make a girl happy. Wutcha need help with, exactly? Certainly not dressing yourself. You got that covered. Mmm!”
“All I ask is that you do what you do, and that you do it for me.”
“That’s it?”
“Indeed.”
…
“Yeah, sure, why not?”
“Excellent. Pleasure to have you, Ms. Perez.”
“A motherfucking pleasure indeed, True Blood. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go mutilate my ex. Who, by the way, won’t actually be my first kill. My first was Kaylie Perez. Probably best if you stop confusing me for her. I’m Scars.”
“Hmm. I like that. Well, it’s a pleasure to have you, Scars.”
“Great to be here! Now then, I’d better go catch up with Aliza. Hate to keep my baby girl waiting. I’ll see you in two shakes of my machete!”
“Machete?”
“Oh, shit, right! Lemme grab that!”
…
“Kay, kay! See you soon!”